Just What I Needed

Few people comprehend the impact after an early loss. We were also surprised by the wall of grief that hit me after losing Jordan.

I quickly learned that it's important (and normal) that my pregnancy loss be acknowledged and mourned.

There certainly are distinctions between early loss and losing a child you've given birth to. Just as one would grieve differently after having lost a partner or one's parents. However, the commonality is loss and it must be addressed.

We are so very grateful for the love and support we've received from all of you. A simple text message or 'thinking of you', has turned my day around. I cannot stress how much your thoughts and understanding has helped me put one foot in front of the other. Thank you.

I'm disappointed in myself for thinking that I would be judged for grieving this loss, or that you wouldn't understand. I'm ashamed and I'm sorry for doubting you.

Today I talked and was understood.

Today I realized I don't need to "hide" from you because you understand, and if you don't, you'll keep an open mind and work at understanding because you care about me.

Today I realized your support materializes in different ways.

Today I heard just what I needed, in the form of an email from Barb...


I was wondering if you and Cy would like me to make something for Jordan like a box or some keepsake. As her Auntie, it would be, as always, from my heart and with all my love. I think of her with your Gran (which helps me) and that she is always going to be the big sister. Yes, I see a girl and yes, I know in my heart that you and Cy will have more babies but she will always be your first.
I must admit this is coming from a bit of a selfish place in me because I need to do something to help me heal as well. It was a terribly, terribly short time but she was in my life.
Maybe you will hate this idea. You can even "lose it" on me...which wouldn't be the worst thing because you could get it out but not have to feel bad as you are loved unconditionally by me...I hope you find some comfort in knowing that we are all looking out for her and loving her. Thank-you for letting me have her, miss her, and love her. I always will.

And as I wrote my response, I was finally able to put into words why I'm so angry...

I find that when I catch myself not thinking about what happened, or finally enjoying something I liked before Jordan, I feel terribly guilty. Aside from a handful of pictures showing how excited we were, we have nothing of Jordan except for the grief we feel. I feel disloyal, like we're forgetting. Maybe a box/keepsake will help me remember without feeling guilty for laughing again.

I like to think of her with my Gran and Cy's grandparents who've passed on, too. I need to believe that there are 'people' looking out for her little soul.
Thank you so much for acknowledging Jordan and loving her. That's all I want; people to recognize she was my child, even if it was just for 6 short weeks. I hate to think that there are people who think she's replaceable by getting pregnant again. That's what makes me furious! Even though I have a hard time believing it right now, deep down I have to know that I will have more children. I just don't want me or anyone else to pretend she wasn't my first, and just a roadblock on my path to having living children.

"Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make peace with that and all will be well"

The Waiting Place

Dr. Seuss hit the nail on the head. He told me this would happen. And I hoped beyond hoped I wouldn't end up there (here), in this "Waiting Place".

Oh, the Places You'll Go. You know the book. It's often given as a gift to graduates and used in convocation speeches. The Doc addresses the Great Balancing Act (life itself, and the ups and downs it presents) while encouraging us to "find the success that lies within us".

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
the Bang-ups and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done...

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, towards a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance
Everyone is just waiting.

This doctor paid attention in school.

The world is going about its business, and I'm watching and waiting for time to pass. When I wake up, I wait for lunch. For energy to exercise. I wait for my doctor's appointment. For my counseling appointment. I wait for Cy to get home from work. For the new episode of Glee. For sleep to come. For a moment when my chest isn't aching from the anxiety. I wait for a break in the grief. For a moment when I don't feel so hopeless. I wait to feel "normal" again. Like my old self. I'm waiting to see how this whole thing is going to play out.

I'm getting antsy.

Finally, on an entirely separate note, I'm resolving to put a positive quote or "What If" at the end of each subsequent entry.

"Tough times don't last but tough people do"

Obsession du Jour

Did you know that only 60% of women conceive at all following an ectopic pregnancy? In fact, it's even less than that for women who also have a primary infertility diagnosis. And to top it off, for those women lucky enough to have a subsequent pregnancy, 15% of those will go on to have another ectopic.

Chances of having an ectopic pregnancy in the first place? 1-2%.

An Inchworm's Reasoning

There's a small incision made with deadliest precision
That lets a darkness seep into my heart
But I don't need sureness or crave some faulty pureness
I only want a warning when it starts

I am not heroic and I cannot muster stoic
But in my life I want a leading part
I'm an inchworm walking, measuring and stopping
The journey seemed much simpler at the start

If I measure every step, I never ever guess
That every single step is all the same
And misery forgets there was ever happiness
And happiness treats misery about the same

If I took the road not taken,
I was probably mistaken
I've had a lovers' quarrel with the world
If I try to make my bed in a great instead
Will my dreams be always only in my head?

On every crowded highway, every silent byway
Every victory soaked in salty tears
If I stay a springtime green
It's through a thousand dirty falls
I weep to see the wonder of it all

-Old Man Luedecke, Inchworm

Is there anyone out there?

I decided to start this blog for 3 reasons: 1) journaling as a way of sorting through the parade of obsessive thoughts strangling my mind, 2) to keep my nearest and dearest up to speed on the drama. If I know you know the scoop, I don't have to worry about running into you and having to relive the sordid details. And frankly, if you know, it will save us both the embarrassment of being witness to my breakdown when you ask "So when are you and Cyballs having kids?". Or something like that. 3) It's comforting to know that someone's listening. That even if they (you) don't know what to say or do, the fact that my thoughts have been "heard" helps me feel validated, less lonely. I don't need anything fancy or well thought out; an "I hear you" or "I'm listening" is perfect.

On a somewhat separate note, my blood work has shown I still have pregnancy hormones floating around. This means two things: 1) if they haven't dropped to "0" in the next week or so, I'll be given injections of methotrexate. This drug is typically used for cancer treatments, but in my case, would be used to stop the growth of any fetal cells left behind, and 2) I have morning sickness, but get nothing out of it in the end.

NIAW

April 24-30th is National Infertility Awareness Week (this encompasses ALI - Adoption, Loss and Infertility - as well).

Even if you haven't experienced any of the above, please take a few minutes to explore these sites:

www.resolve.org/infertility101

www.resolve.org/takecharge

Bitter is the New Black

I'm bitter. And I hate it.

I'm envious of those "normal" mommies. One of my fellow ALI (adoption, loss and infertility) bloggers said it best: "it's not that I want it to be hard for them, it's just that I want it to be easy for me, too."

The day after I was released from the hospital, I had an appointment with my OBGYN, Dr. Hunt. Both the physical and emotional pain were raw as we waited for my turn, when out of the washroom marched this adorable pregnant woman. I had to turn my face to the wall so she couldn't see the tears streaming down my face. Cyballs squeezed my hand and under his breath said the sweetest, most validating thing - "fucking bitch".

It was exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, of course we know this sounds horrible, and under normal circumstances we wouldn't have thought, let alone uttered such a thing. These aren't normal circumstances.

Aside from the acrid thoughts eating away at my heart and mind, it's been challenging for me to navigate the relationships I have with those in my life who are pregnant or are new parents. On the one hand, I'm truly happy for these wonderful women. But on the other, it's just too soon. The pain runs too deep. I accept this is my psyches way of protecting me, and that with time my heart will eventually come around. For all this, I feel tremendous guilt.

Today I sent each of these women a short email to let them know I was thinking of them.

I hope they understand.

Celebrating Jordan

Sharing our precious baby with those who love us.

Project IF

Lollipop Goldstein over at Stirrup Queens had a challenge for her followers: post a comment on her site stating your biggest infertility and loss "What If". In other words, she wants her readers to take the “what ifs” that keep knocking around inside our hearts, keeping us awake at night, and allow the larger community to commiserate, empathize and help us carry the burden by reading our words.

I decided not to post mine on her site, but thought I'd share my "what ifs" on here:

What if I never hear someone call me "mommy"?

What if I have another ectopic pregnancy and I lose my tubes?

What if the 9 days I knew I was pregnant was the closet I'll ever come to experiencing motherhood - and I spent so much of that time fretting that I wouldn't be able to handle the changes or be a good mother?

What if my baby didn't know/doesn't know how much I love(d) him/her?

What if I cut off ties with the next person who tells me "I'm pregnant"?

What if I always resent those women who get pregnant "by accident" or "by just thinking about it"?

What if I never see another "+" pregnancy test?

What if it's Christmas 30 years from now and I have no children, no grandchildren, no family?

What if I fucking lose it on the next person who says "oh don't worry, you'll get pregnant again" or "well at least you weren't further along"?

What if everyone who knows what happened said "I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be terribly difficult." Would I be less angry? Feel less guilty? Heal more quickly?

The Good, The Bad and The Rebuilding

The Good: Cyballs and I got pregnant on our trip to the Island of Fertility.

The Bad: 9 days after finding out we had created a precious life, I was rushed into emergency surgery to remove a 6 week ectopic pregnancy.

The Rebuilding: Where do we go from here? Our hearts are broken, our hopes are dashed and fear is creeping in. This was our miracle pregnancy and I lost it. Now I'm more likely to have another ectopic pregnancy, more likely to miscarry and more likely to have trouble with tubal factor infertility (that's assuming we get pregnant again).

Despite all the negativity, there were a number of positives that emerged. First of all, Dr. Hunt was encouraged that "sperm met egg". He was also happy to report my hoohahooterus looked great (this means that there aren't any polyps, fibroids, tumors or scarring (fingers crossed there isn't any scarring as a result of this surgery). And finally, the fabulous Dr. H. was able to save my tube.

Much of the anger I have is directed towards my body for failing me. My grief counselor, Jenifer, pointed out just the opposite. The bleeding was light and the cramping was screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs painful, but at least my tube didn't fully rupture nor did I lose the ability to produce an egg on the right side as so many women do.

Also the doctors were pleasantly surprised with how little internal bleeding I had - only 300mL - much less than they usually see. The surgical team was also happy to report my hemoglobin was very close to normal levels which helped me escape the rarely inescapable blood transfusion.

My emergency surgery took place around 1 a.m. on Monday, so a surgical team had to be called in. I was frightened beyond belief, but had some relief...Dr. H., the doctor who has been treating me for infertility, was the OBGYN surgeon on call that night. Dr. Hirst, the anesthesiologist, is a parent of two lovely McGirr students, one of whom I have worked closely with at some points during my time at the school. Dr. Hirst was also a former neighbour of mine when she and I lived on Icarus. And just when I thought I couldn't "run into" anyone else, 1 of the 2 surgical nurses was someone I've known for 20+ years and is best friends with my cousin, Brooke.

Someone was certainly watching over me.

As I heal physically, the pain doesn't compare to the emotional despair and heartache I'm experiencing. I knew I was going to be a mommy for 9 short days, and I didn't realize how much I already loved that precious life.

Jordan (not one of the names we had in mind for our baby, but is the unisex name we decided on as we said our goodbyes) was the size of a bean and was forming his/her facial features this week. Even at this young age, Jordan's hands and feet had began to form. And even though we wouldn't have been able to hear it yet, my love's sweet sweet heart had started to beat.

How is it possibly to hurt this badly when I hadn't even met this little soul? When I think about losing our baby, I can't catch my breath, my stomach drops and it takes every ounce of strength not to fall to the floor.

Thank you all for your positive thoughts, support and prayers. Please keep them coming...specifically for Jordan's soul to know how much he/she was already loved by us, for our pain to subside, and for my body and mind to heal quickly so we may try again.

xo