Blah

It's pouring outside. Last night there was an arson at our school. Today I learned this was an anovulatory cycle. And the icing on the cake? My luteal phase has regressed to only 10 days long.

Not good news, Peeps. Not. Good. At. All.

"Tough times don't last; tough players do."

This and That

It's done! The beaut-iful box made in mem-oriam of our Jordan turned out perfectly. We can't thank Barb enough for recognizing our anguish in such a thoughtful and tangible way.

I'm enjoying being back to work. The kidlets brighten my days, and it's as though they know when I need a big hug. So perceptive, these little ones are. And I can't believe I'm about to say it, but I'm not looking forward to summer. I know! Crazy, right? Perhaps I should explore this more because something is definitely wrong...

On another note, I've become lost in the blogosphere that is infertility and loss. These ladies understand what I'm going through. 'Nuff said. And although I don't know these people from Adam (and they don't even know I exist), I find myself thinking about them throughout the day. Sending them positive vibes. Cheering them on. Crying with them.

Breezy's friends, please meet:

Jess from A little blog about the big Infertility. Jess enjoys photography, hiking, kayaking and exploring nature. She has 2 cats and 2 dogs. Jess and her husband have been living with infertility for over 4 years. They've had 1 miscarriage and 1 chemical pregnancy, plus 10 IUIs, and 1 failed and 1 cancelled IVF. On Sunday, after weeks of visiting her fertility clinic for exams, scans and procedures,and injecting fertility drugs into her body on a daily basis, Jess had her second IVF and 2 embryos were implanted into her uterus. She is on bed rest and is pregnant until proven otherwise.

Kelly from The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow (I hope). I "met" Kelly, a high school teacher, about a month ago. After 3 miscarriages, she found out she was pregnant again. When it came time for her first ultrasound, the doctor didn't find a heartbeat. The following week she returns to the RE's office to confirm it's over, and get this, they find a heartbeat! Days later she goes back for a third ultrasound, but there's been no growth and the heartbeat is gone. She continues on, her body not recognizing her pregnancy is no longer viable. In the end, Kelly had to go back to her RE to be injected with Cytotec in hopes that it would cause her body to expel the fetus. It worked. She miscarried at home.

Kate from Busted Plumbing. She lives in Arizona with her husband of 7 years and their two dogs. In her own words, Kate is "eternally devoted to all things Disneyland, Harry Potter, Neil Patrick Harris, Tim Burton, Twilight and Glee." After being diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, she began rounds of Clomid and became pregnant. Sadly, she miscarried, and since then, she's miscarried 3 more times. Recently she shared that, at 10 weeks, she is "a little pregnant". This is farthest she's ever made it.

"Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees."

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

CD 15

That's right, Peeps, 1 month 1 week and 6 days since Jordan was taken from my right fallopian tube, I'm already on cycle day 15. And dare I say it? I'm almost certain this is an ovulatory cycle (temperature dip on day 12 and then temp. shift on...drum roll please...Day 14)! Keep your fingers crossed for bloating, sore boobs and emotional instability (a sign that ovulation is pretty much a sure thing for this cycle).

What does this mean? Well, just short of 4 weeks post surgery, my period arrived. This was surprising since I was told to expect it in 6-8 weeks from April 5th. It's appearance means that HCG (the pregnancy hormone) is no longer present in my body (no methotrexate shots or weekly blood work, yay!) and my body is getting back on track more quickly than the average person.


I've been working my a** off getting "things" back in order. Good 'ol cognitive behavioural therapy with my counselor, journaling, acupuncture, exercise, and Circle and Bloom are some of the more conventional paths I've been traveling down. While continuing with all things pomegranate and introducing rose quartz into my daily life, fall into "Ummm, Really?" category.

I find comfort in the resiliency. A text book, 28-day cycle was something I had going for me pre-ectopic pregnancy, so I can breath a sigh of relief that I don't have (mmkay, choose) to obsess over this too.

I know what you're thinking. Blah, blah, blah, TMI. Tell us what we really want to know.
Fine, I'll give. Yes, I'm physically allowed to "try" again and no, we're not.

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking."

Happy "Childless Awareness Day"

It's Mother's Day, and I had my first Mother's Day cry just after midnight.

In "Brianne Land", Mother's Day was celebrated this past Tuesday by giving my mama her gifts and apologetically announcing that Sunday will be a regular day. Apparently this declaration didn't matter 'cause my brain wasn't fooled.

Lucky for me and my brain, I have a wonderful husband who understands my pain. When the tears started, he whipped out a card...my Mother's Day Card.

But hey, if I need to cry, then so be it. I shouldn't hide from my emotions but rather embrace the tears as cleansing and tension releasing. Right??? At least this is what I told myself on Thursday when I burst into tears. At school. In front of the kidlets.

I think they were shocked because no one made a peep. The music teacher hugged me, the secretary brought me tissues and two of my darlings sought me out to give hugs and a pep talk... "You know Mrs. F., it's okay to cry, it'll make you feel better." Wise words from a pair of wise 9 year old.

These kidlets are keeping me going. They're so full of optimism and hope for things to come. I was reminded of what it was like to have your whole life ahead of you, your dreams just beginning to take shape. I wish I still had their innocence.

When I returned to work from my leave, I noticed a project they had completed while I was away. Lining the front hall of the school was a collage of art work on what it means to have hope. Here's some of what they said:

Hope is a peaceful world.

Hope is trying your hardest.

Hope is believing in yourself.

Hope is having an open heart.

Hope is life.

Hope is much closer then it appears.

To all the mothers, to all those who are missing their mom or children, to everyone yearning to be a mother and to those women who are mothers of angels, Happy Mother's Day.

Breakthrough?

Good news! I only cried once today AND it wasn't a can't-catch-my-breath, snot-runneth-over cry, as has been the trend as of late.

I had a quivering lip and moist eyes before leaving for my first day back to work in exactly one month. Somehow I managed to keep it together.

Work fared far better than I anticipated. I really don't know what I was expecting, but considering the last time I saw most of my coworkers, "how was your weekend?"'s and "Billy had a meltdown"'s were the extent of our relationships. Now they know the intimate details of my hoohahooterus. Sigh.

Seriously though, the welcome back I received made my heart melt. Nothing tops a genuine, heartfelt hug (okay, except growing a baby). I've lost count of how many times I was the recipient of this act of caring by my coworkers as well as my kidlets.

My favourite line of the day? "Whoa, Mrs. F., you were gone for a really long time. What type of bad cold did you have?"

If only.

Really though, how was I supposed to explain to this angel-faced ball of sunshine the real reason I was away? I can imagine it now. "Well M., Mr. F. and I decided we wanted to have a baby. But my plumbing wasn't working properly, so I spent months being jabbed with needles and visiting doctors who made me take off my pants so they could insert all sorts of things into my private parts. But not to worry, it worked! Mr. F. and I found out we were pregnant! We were so happy! But then the doctors told us that the baby wasn't growing where it should, and they had to cut me open and take the baby away. No, M., the baby's not alright. The baby's dead. And I cry all the time."

Lucky for little M. (and my career), I spared her innocence. As far as M's concerned, I had the worst cold in the history of colds.

Anyway, as it turns out, the tears came after work when my parents presented me with a gold angel charm "for our Jordan." I immediately retrieved a chain from my jewelry box and secured it around my neck. It's perfect. My baby will always be close to my heart, even when my mind is elsewhere. When she's in the forefront of my mind (which is very often), I feel a sense of calmness having something tangible to connect with.

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday"