Our Sweet Girl

Here's our sweet girl! All her measurements are right on track, she has a strong, steady heartbeat and is VERY active.

In fact, as her mom, aunt, grandma and papa sat down to watch the Royal Wedding, she began to kick the moment Kate stepped out of the car, and then stopped after the couple made their way to Buckingham Palace. She's definitely my child!

As far as her twin siblings are concerned, their sac is still present at the top of my uterus, but are no longer 14cm as they were when we lost them, but are each only a centimeter. This was difficult to hear, but I'm pleased to know things are progressing as my doctors thought they would.

Sugar and Spice

Yesterday, as I sat in the Food Court at LAX, I received a call from my doctor's office. Donna (Dr. H.'s amazing nurse) called to to let me know the radiologist's report FINALLY made it to the office. She reported that the baby was fine, and then asked if I wanted to know the sex. I said yes, and then time stood still as she responded with, "it appears to be a...girl." She said something else but I was too busy shrieking and drawing attention to myself.

After I hung up with Donna, I jumped up and frantically began waving my hands and calling for Cy who was in the line-up for Burger King. He rushed over, assuming something was wrong. I cried as I told him, and he broke out in an enormous smile, and picked me up to hug and kiss me. People around us congratulated us. One woman said, "that was beautiful, I have tears in my eyes. Thank you."

Come back soon to see the most recent pics (20 weeks) of our baby girl.

Tomorrow I meet with Dr. H. to go over the results of the latest ultrasound, and have my monthly check-up. I've sat in his office countless times, my heart breaking, not just because of the bad news I received, but because of the proud mamas-to-be parading around. Tomorrow, when I walk in with my 5 and half month bump, I will do so with caution. And I will pray I don't recognize the oh-so-familiar longing and pain in another woman's eyes.

21st Week Update

How far along: 21 weeks

Weight gain: Not sure, I'll find out on Thursday.

Maternity clothes: Yes, but I can still fit some of my pre-pregnancy clothes. This week I put on last summer's bikinis, and didn't have to any adjusting to the tie-sides on the bottoms:)

Stretch marks: No. I'm hoping my daily routine of twice applying lotion and bio oil will do the trick. On another stretching note, my belly button - which as always been deep - is very stretched, however I'm still have lots of room for my belly button horseshoe to move around.

Sleep: Normal. I've been sleeping better than ever here in Palm Springs.

Movement: Definitely. Cyballs was even able to feel a couple of movements.

Cravings: Lemonade

Driving me crazy: acne

Gender: We had our ultrasound last Tuesday, and because of the 4 day Easter weekend, we have yet to hear from our doctor.

Names we have in mind: Girl - Ella, Aubrey, Kenley or Ryann. Boy: Jackson or Kyler. Cy is really set on Kenley Ray if it's a girl, and Jackson is our favourite if it's a boy. Although we don't love it, it's one of the few male names we can agree on. As for a boy middle name, we'll probably continue on with the name 'Cyrus' and add in 'Mccoll' to keep it in the family, as well.

What I miss: Being in Palm Springs this week, I've desperately wanted a glass of chilled white wine.

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out if I'll be a mommy to a son or a daughter, and hearing that this amazing life is perfectly healthy.

20 Weeks

We had our detailed ultrasound on Tuesday, and I was a mess. Of the 7 ultrasounds I've had, 0 of them gave us good news. In fact, the news we received at those appointments was shocking and heartbreaking.

I cried in the waiting room and then for the first 10 minutes I was on the table. The sonographer was very sympathetic, and acknowledge how difficult it must be for me considering the loss of my twins. She assured me this was a happy day, and slowly I came around. I didn't look at the screen throughout the medical examination; it was only when Cyballs was invited into the room that I finally had the courage to look (and only because the sonographer assured me that I wouldn't recognize anything that would indicate my twins).

When I first arrive, our little muffin was sleeping, but was soon awake, happily swimming around, showing us his/her hands, stretching his/her legs and turning his/her head to face the "camera", as if to say "hey mom and dad, how's it going?" And the best part? Seeing our Cruncher's precious heart beating away. Nothing compares. Nothing.

Of course the sonographer can't tell us anything because the radiologist has to write the official report, so we're still on edge. However, she did share baby's stats: measuring 1 day ahead of schedule at 20w1d with a heart rate of 143. As for the sex, she said she took pictures of the area in question, but it's up to the radiologist to include it in the report (yes, we requested to know). So, we're not-so-patiently waiting for the report to reach Dr. Hunt.

We're off to Palm Springs tomorrow, so I'll post pictures of our love when we return next week.

Infertility Etiquette

The following tips are listed on Resolve.org's site. If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, these are a must read. I hope Resolve doesn't mind that I've re-posted them here, in honour of the upcoming Infertility Awareness Week.

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again

Deep Breath...

For that short time I was pregnant with Jordan, I was only too excited to begin journaling my experiences and documenting the journey with pictures. So far, that hasn't really happened because I've been afraid of jinxing my pregnancy (Yes, I know that is crazy, but so is what we've been through over the last couple of years). So here goes nothing.

How far along: 19 weeks

Weight gain: approx. 10lbs (because of originally carrying triplets, my weight gain should soon be finding a balance).

Maternity clothes: Yes, but I can still fit some of my pre-pregnancy clothes, too.

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: Normal. When I was still carrying my 3 babies, I would have to eat once or twice a night, which greatly impacted my sleep.

Movement: Possibly. Every so often I feel flutters, and lately, at night, while rolling from my right side to my left, I think I feel a slight tickling movement.

Cravings: Nothing in particular. I really enjoy orange juice and lemonade, where as before I was pregnant, it was water nearly all the time. There are somethings I'm enjoying: eggs, fresh carrots (not bagged baby carrots), kiwi, pears and Tillamook cherry yogurt. Mostly, it's food aversions (ugh, chicken). Thank goodness water doesn't make me sick any longer.

Driving me crazy: daily nose bleeds, milia on my cheeks, and acne on my chest and shoulders.

Gender: Hopefully we'll find out next Tuesday! We think it's a boy, while friends and family are equally divided. One Chinese Gender Chart says girl, another says boy, and Ingo's needling technique also says boy.

Names we have in mind: Girl - Ella, Aubrey, Kenley or Ryann. Boy: Jackson or Kyler

What I miss: Margaritas, having calcium overlays put on my nails and deli turkey sandwiches.

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out if I'll be a mommy to a son or a daughter!

In general: I'm still very frightened, especially about our detailed ultrasound next week, considering all we've been through. BUT, I'm head over heals in love, and am SO looking forward to meeting our little fighter. Cyballs and I talk to Crunchy all the time (a lot of the time it's to encourage him/her to keep growing and fighting), reading stories and singing songs. We still talk to Taylor and Cameron as well, and are trying to put closure to that chapter.

Saying Goodbye

These pictures were taking just hours before we lost our twins, and are the last pictures I have while still carrying triplets.

One Year Later

Today marks one year since our first loss. Jordan is never far from our thoughts, and we like to think Jordan was waiting with our grandmas as Taylor and Cameron left this world for the next.

365 days later, Jordan has become a big sister 3 times over. I pray everyday that T and C are the last of my babies she'll have to greet.

We cherish you J,T and C. xoxo