I find the most overwhelming characteristic of infertility is how stressful it is. It's stressful because I don't know how long it will last. Because it's unexpected. Because it makes me feel different. It's stressful because it's physically demanding and emotionally taxing.
My prior posts make light of a situation that is anything but. After reading entries 1-3, Cyballs was reminded of how painful those weeks were. There really are no words that capture the despair that had suddenly become our reality.
In those early days, I spent a lot of time crying and very little time sleeping. On the days I managed to roll myself out of bed for work (and nothing more), I sulked around in a makeup-free-hair-in-a-pony-daze.
With indecision and uncertainty running rampant in my mind, Cyballs was there for me every single time, without judgement or expectation, holding the towel whenever I gave myself permission to lie in the shower until the water ran cold. He held my hand during testing and hugged me while I stared at the wall. Despite dealing with his own range of emotions, he was my rock and wanted nothing more than to make my pain disappear.
As it turns out, with acceptance, support and passage of time, it's become easier to cope. For example, I can (for the most part) talk about our infertility without crying. And for the first time since the diagnosis, I was able to be in the company of a beautiful baby (although when I got home, I cried myself to sleep in the middle of the afternoon). This is not to say it isn't just as painful, and some days are easier than others. But we're trying to remain optimistic and that's what's getting us through until we get answers - if we ever do.
The truth is we may never have the answers we seek. Unexplained Infertility accounts for 25-35% of major causes, and to date, all of our testing has come back normal (one more test - Laparoscopic surgery - before we are diagnosed with said cause and start
Clomid.
All in all, it's not easy and the following guide best describes how I (we) feel, and how you, our family and friends can support us.
Guide for Family and FriendsYou probably have difficulty understanding why getting pregnant has coloured virtually every aspect of her daily life. Brea hopes that by reading this booklet, written by psychologists with both personal and professional experience with infertility, you will better understand that pain she is feeling. This booklet also will tell you how you can help her.
SOME FACTS ABOUT INFERTILITY
It may surprise you to know that one out of six women who wants to have a baby cannot conceive. There are many possible reasons for this dismal statistic: blocked fallopian tubes, ovarian failure, hormonal imbalances, toxic exposure, to name a few.
All these barriers to pregnancy are physical and physiological, not psychological. Tubes don’t become blocked because a woman is “trying too hard” to get pregnant. Antibodies that kill sperm will not disappear if a woman simply relaxes.
WELL MEANING ADVICE
When someone we care about has a problem, it is natural to try to help. If there’s nothing specific we can do, we try to give helpful advice. Often we draw on our personal experiences or on anecdotes involving other people we know. Perhaps you recall a friend who had trouble getting pregnant until she and her husband went to a tropical island. So you suggest that Brea and her husband take a vacation too.
Brea appreciates your advice, but she cannot use it because of the physical nature of her problem. Not only can’t she use your advice, it upsets her greatly. Indeed, she’s probably inundated with this sort of advice at every turn. Imagine how frustrating it must be for her to hear about other couples who “magically” become pregnant on vacation. Your well-meaning advice is an attempt to transform an extremely complicated predicament into a simplistic little problem. By simplifying her problem in this manner you’ve diminished the validity of her emotions, making her feel psychologically undervalued. Naturally, she will feel angry or upset by this.
The truth is: There’s practically nothing concrete you can do to help Brea. The best help you can provide is to be understanding and supportive. It’s easier to be supportive if you can appreciate how being unable to have a baby can be such a devastating blow.
WHY NOT HAVING A BABY IS SO UPSETTING
Women are reared with the expectation that they will have a baby someday. They’ve thought about themselves in a motherhood role ever since they played with dolls. A woman may not even consider herself part of the adult world unless she is a parent.
Worse, Brea is not even certain that she will ever have a baby. One of the cruelest things you can do to a person is give them hope and then not come through. Modern medicine has created this double-edged sword. It offers hope where there previously was none – but at the price of slim odds.
WHAT MODERN MEDICINE HAS TO OFFER THE INFERTILE WOMAN
In the past decade, reproductive medicine has made major breakthroughs that enable women who in the past were unable to have children now to conceive. The use of drugs such as Humegon can increase the number and size of eggs a woman produces, thereby increasing her chances of fertilization. In vitro fertilization (IVF) techniques extract a woman’s eggs and mix them with sperm in a “test tube” and allow them to fertilize in a laboratory. The embryo can then be transferred back to the woman’s uterus. There are many other options as well.
Despite the hope these technologies offer, they are a hard row to hoe. Some high-tech procedures are offered at only a few places, which may force Brea to travel great distances. Even if the treatment is available locally, the patient must endure repeated doctor’s appointments, take daily injections, shuffle work and social schedules to accommodate various procedures, and lay out considerable sums of money. All of this is preceded by a battery of diagnostic tests that can be both embarrassing and painful.
Infertility is a highly personal medical condition, one that Brea may feel uncomfortable discussing with her employer. So she is faced with coming up with excuses whenever her treatment interferes with her job.
After every medical attempt, Brea must play a waiting game that is peppered with spurts of optimism and pessimism. It is an emotional roller coaster. While trying to cope with this emotional turmoil, she gets invited to a baby shower or christening, learns a friend or colleague is pregnant, or she reads about a one-day-old infant found abandoned in a dumpster. Can you try to imagine her envy, her rage over the inequities in life? Given that infertility permeates practically every facet of her existence, is it any wonder why she obsessed with her quest?
Every month, Brea wonders whether this will be it. If it isn’t, she wonders if she can muster the energy to try again. Will she be able to afford another procedure? How much longer will her husband continue to be supportive? Will she be forced to give up?
So when you speak with Brea, try to empathize with the burdens on her mind and on her heart. She knows you care about her, and she may need to talk with you about her ordeal. But she knows that there is nothing you can say or do to make her able to conceive. And the fears that you will offer a suggestion triggers even more despair.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
You can give her support and not criticize her for any steps she may be taking – such as not attending a shower or child’s party – to protect herself from emotional trauma. You can say something like this: “I care about you. After reading this booklet, I have a better idea about how hard this must be for you. I wish I could help. I’m here to listen to you and cry with you, if you feel like crying. I’m here to cheer you on when you feel as though there’s no hope. You can talk to me. I care.”
The most important thing to remember is that Brea is distraught and very worried. Listen to what she has to say, but do not judge. Do not belittle her feelings. Don’t try to promise everything will be okay – such as telling her “of course you’ll have a baby one day”. Don’t sell her on fatalism with statements like “Everything happens for a reason” or “What will be will be.” If that were truly the case, what’s the point of using medical technology to try to accomplish what nature cannot?
Your willingness to listen can be of great help. Infertile women feel cut off from other people. Your ability to listen and support her will help her handle the stress she’s experiencing. Her infertility is one of the most difficult situations she will ever have to deal with.
PROBLEM SITUATIONS
Just as an ordinary room can be an obstacle to a person who’s visually impaired, so can the everyday world be full of hazards for an infertile woman - hazards that do not exist for women with children.
She goes to her family’s house for Thanksgiving. Her cousin has a new baby. The men are watching sports while the women talk about their children. She feels left out to say the least.
Thanksgiving is an example of the many holidays that are particularly difficult for her. They mark the passage of time. She remembers what came to her mind last Thanksgiving – that next year, she would have a new son or daughter to show off to her family.
Each holiday presents its own unique burden to the infertile woman. Valentine’s Day reminds her of her romance, love, marriage – and the family she may never be able to create. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? Their difficulties are obvious.
Mundane activities like a walk down the street or going to the shopping mall are packed with land mines. Seeing women pushing strollers strikes a raw nerve. While watching TV, Brea is bombarded by commercials for diapers, baby food, and early pregnancy tests.
At a party, someone asks how long she’s been married and whether she has any kids. She feels like running out of the room, but she can’t. If she talks about being infertility, she’s likely to get well-intentioned advice – just the thing she doesn’t need: “Just relax. Don’t worry. It will happen soon,” or “You’re lucky. I’ve had it with my kids. I wish I had your freedom.” These are the kinds of comments that make her want to crawl under the nearest sofa and die.
Escape into work can be impossible. Watching her dream shatter on a monthly basis, she can have difficulty investing energy into her career. All around, her co-workers are getting pregnant or talking about their children. Going to a baby shower is painful – but so is distancing herself.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Because she is infertile, life is extremely stressful for Brea. She is doing her best to cope. Please be understanding. Sometimes she will be depressed. Sometimes she will be angry or irritated. Sometimes she will be physically and emotionally exhausted. And sometimes she’ll put on a brave face, but her infertility will never be far from her mind. She’s may not be “the same old Brea” she used to be. She may not want to do many of the things she used to like to do.
She has no idea when, or if, her problem will be solved. She’s engaged in an emotionally and financially taxing venture with a low probability of success. Overall, only about one-third of people using special fertility treatments succeed in having a baby. The longer she perseveres, however, the greater her chances of pregnancy become.
Maybe someday she will be successful. Maybe someday she will give up and turn to adoption, or come to terms with living a childless life. At present, though, she has no idea what will happen. It’s all she can do to keep going from one day to the next. She does not know why this is her lot. Nobody does. All she knows is the horrible anguish that she lives with every day.
Please care about her. Please be sensitive to her situation. Give her your support - she needs it and wants it.
